Specials..

When a tie called “FRIENDSHIP” sprouts, it’s never gonna be possible to break the thread again. Nothing ever. Even DISTANCE. And this is how my story begins…

I was thrown into a university I NEVER dreamt of. It was just so unbelievable. I can’t figure out why I ever said yes to my parents’ choice. Maybe it’s the least that I can do for them. Deep inside, I was obviously deprived from the things that I wanted. I was deprived from my own choice. What can I do? I’m just a daughter. I never really wanted to be far from home. I was never really prepared to go and live away. Honestly, I just packed my things just approximately 10 minutes before my departure. I was still confused. I couldn’t even understand why I have to follow their will. But of course, they’re my parents. But still, I was incredulous. Yes. The University of the Philippines is a prestigious school. But I never imagined myself returning to the boondocks of UP. That time, I was only sure of one thing. I WAS UNPREPARED.

Sadly, dad wasn’t there to give me comfort. He wasn’t there to bring me to school and help me fix things up in the dormitory. And guess what? The dormitory has a lot to offer! Sordid rooms filled with cobwebs, forsaken clothes from the previous dormers and mountainous piles of trashes. ‘Thanks a lot!’ I shouted sarcastically at the back of my mind.

First day of the Summer Bridge Program in UP. I was still wishing I was only stuck in a very horrible nightmare. All day long, I just wore a stupid simper. I was still thankful on the other hand that I know someone from the bunch of kids there. Kyle. Thank God I’m not alone. Kyle was always there to give me company. He was indeed, a friend. The kids around us mistook us for sweethearts. I just laughed. We spent most of our times alone together since we do not have friends yet. Not until, I met my roommate. She was a gorgeous young lady with a white complexion and long straight tresses with gold-yellow highlights on them. I honestly thought of her as ‘one of the in-crowd’ and that she’d make lots of friends. She’ll not mind me anyway.

It was already late for breakfast. Although it was against my will, I just have to speed up and go for a quick breakfast. I was surprised. ‘Jobel’ was still sitting at the study table staring at nothingness. That’s weird. What’s with this girl? I was laughing inside because of her piteous face. I didn’t know what had gotten into me but I invited her to breakfast. I was startled by her reaction. Her face lit up and she took a what seemed to be a ‘relief breath’. We started a conversation and glad she wasn’t really picky on friends. I felt comfortable and I guess so did she. We met Kyle at the canteen. He was with his roommate. Patrick and Naseffh. Patrick seemed to be serious and quiet. Nassefh has something he’d rather keep with himself. He was also quiet. But these were just my impressions of course.

We were about to get out of the canteen when we bumped into a girl who happens to be Patrick’s classmate in high school. Patrick introduced her to us. Darlene. Her name fits her a lot. She was a small girl with long curly hair an small chinky eyes. I thought she’s got a Japanese blood in her. She was funny and talkative. She appeared to be shy at first but minutes later, she wasn’t anymore. From then on, our gang was formed. We called ourselves the ‘Bukakerz’. I didn’t exactly know its meaning but it sounds fun.

Honestly, I think our gang was envied by many. As we march down the hallways or anywhere, the kids around us would follow us with their gazes of amazement. I felt happy and proud. My 17^th birthday was the best birthday ever. It was my first birthday alone. I was so clueless. But the thoughtful Bukakerz gave me a surprise that I had to pinch myself to make sure it was real. Over all, I was so overwhelmed.

We seemed so inseparable. Patrick and I were on the same class, Kyle an Jobelle were on the other class and Darlene and Nasseffh were on the same class. I suddenly forgot about my remorse in attending the SBP in UP. But despite the closeness of our gang, inevitable arguments stormed us. I felt so pathetic and useless when Patrick had the biggest arguments with Darlene and Jobelle. I didn’t get the chance to stop them. I was at home that time. That event, unfortunately, made Jobelle decide to return home and back out in UP. We were so wrecked that I cried all night. It was hard.

That was it. Our gang was unluckily ruined. Our friendship turned into a bitter animosity. I resented Patrick and Nasseffh for that. I blamed them for Jobelle’s sudden departure. Darlene was so emotional. I didn’t know how to handle the situation. But I decided to forgive them and heal our wounds. We became friends again but not that ‘close’ anymore. Kyle and Darlene were the only Bukakerz who remained. Sef and Pat seemed to live different lives already. Whenever we bump into each other, it felt awkward already. I didn’t know. Sigh.

I attempted several times not to continue anymore and just leave. I was becoming another person already. I became a loner. A very depressed and bitter loner. I forgot all about what I’ve learned. I became so dumb. Damn! I was just so different. I’ve decided a million times already not to finish the SBP anymore. But the promise I’ve had with the Bukakerz lingers through my head and stops me. “No one will leave. One for all and all for one. We’re all in this together”. But my emotions were too strong. I was already out of myself. I just wanted to save myself from insanity. All I just want that time was to get home. I just want to get home. But I can’t leave Arlene. Not this time. Kyle and Darlene stood by me always. We remained there to aid and encourage each other. I sacrificed my comfort zone. I just have to stay there. Period.

Finally, the SBP came to an end. It was a great relief to me to finally get home. I hadn’t said a decent goodbye to Pat, Sef and Darl. They were in a hurry. They had their parents who fetched them. It was an obnoxious scene. Obnoxious ever. Families reunited, hugging their kids who had been away for more than a month. Wow. It was painful to see them and I was alone. Kyle was with his parents. I wasn’t able to see the three anymore. I ran to a corner and sobbed. It was inevitable. But at long last! I was finally going home.

* * * * * *

Summertime was over. I was already enrolled in UP. I was left with no choice. For heavens’ sake, I was still crossing my fingers that this was just some sort of a Halloween horror syndrome while walking along the catwalk of UP. It was already the 2^nd week of classes but I wasn’t still sure if I was really going to continue studying there. I was still in a bubble of a dreadful nightmare. I was trapped. But I tried so hard to adjust so as not to disappoint my parents. I was struggling. Struggling so hard. I was traversing a very different road. I was lost in track. I didn’t know myself anymore. I was becoming more of a pathetic rubbish goblin.

What alarmed me most was that, I started skipping classes already. I took my studies for granted. I wasn’t happy. I was so deprived. I didn’t understand why I have to suffer myself like this. I was becoming a different person. A very stupid and dumb person. I was so lost. But God was so great. I knew it. He noticed me finally. Thanks a lot! It was a great reinforcement to me when I accidentally bumped into a classmate. She was also an SBPian. But we weren’t that acquainted. We just knew each other, that was it. We were just discussing lessons until we arrived in a topic where we were struck. We shared the same sentiments. She was also bitter. I was bitterer. But I was lucky. For I was able to meet a friend. Karen served as my sister. I never felt ashamed to cry in front her. We became inseparable. I just felt so comforted with her presence. The way she talks, she sounds like a big sister to me.

Our friendship was genuine. I could sense that. But it was still inevitable to feel bitter for she isn’t always around. There are times I felt so humiliated and oppressed by my classmates in the University. Whenever I am all alone, I just ran to the Comfort Room. That room served as my comfort zone in UP. I felt so pathetic for I seemed to reside there already. I ate, rest and spent most of my time there. The comfort room, is indeed a ‘comfort room’.

Karen helped me to recover my grades. She was indeed a sister in help. I slowly recovered from my stupidity. She gently took me out of the darkness. I should know. She spared me form total insanity. Through Karen, I met ‘Ate Abby’. A graduate student from UP Diliman. She was a mission volunteer in our school. A catechist? I really don’t know what to call her. Despite our long age gap, she became a friend. I was thankful to meet her.

All these times, Darlene was just by my side. Kyle was there too. He never failed to extend his help. But since his course was making him terribly busy, we seldom see each other. But despite our busy schedules, we find ways to sit and talk. I was glad Darl and I were under the same course. Karen and I were classmates. The three of us hanged out together and since then, we became ‘tres marias’. I had fun with them and gratefully, I forgot about my bitter reality. I learned to accept my parents’ decision. Together, we struggled to pass our subjects. We were on the same battle. Holding on to each other for strength and inspiration.

I was convinced to stay in UP and continue my studies there. Because of them, I was lifted up from my darkness. I was glad, I met more friends. Pat and Sef had been there too. At the end of the semester, I felt so satisfied. The Bukakerz, although Jobelle was studying far from us, remained friends. Karen was there. Her support was unwavering.

* * * * * *

At the middle of the semester break, I still felt so stressed with the exams. I couldn’t sleep at night. I was already Insomniac. I could already perceive some growing pimples on my face and black circles below my eyes. I felt so worn out. I couldn’t understand. My hands grew numb. I couldn’t carry my feet. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t turn. Until I couldn’t move a single muscle anymore. My sight suddenly dimmed. And I lost consciousness.

I woke up in a divine setting. The fog was thick and I couldn’t see anything. Just a blinding white light. A colossal iron seemed to bang me on my head and I was astonishingly alarmed. I was dead. ‘What the f*c*?!!’ was all I could shout at the back of my mind. I didn’t want to die yet. I am too young for this. No way! No! I shrieked in horror and dismay. I was dreaming! Wasn’t I?

Ouch! I didn’t exactly know what hit my chest that it sent electricity through my weak body and awoken me from my vile nightmare. I was like gasping for breath when I finally woke up. I tried to move a finger, then a hand. A liberation. I slowly opened my eyes. Blurry. I squinted so hard. I carefully observed my surrounding. I was unfortunately lying on a hospital bed. Mum was there. Staring at me hopefully with tearful eyes. Then she hugged me tightly. I asked for water. My throat felt like it was in the season of drought. Mum explained what happened.

Dad called. He was crying so hard. His voice sounds so strong but I know deep inside him was pain. Pain of not seeing his family. And his daughter fighting for her life. He wants me to transfer. He wants me to follow him at the country where he was working. He wants me to undergo heart transplant. I didn’t want that. I just told him I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine. Dad wanted me to continue my education there with him so he could watch over me. But I have to be first year standing here in the Philippines so that means I’d have to finish my 1^st year here. He told me he never wanted to lose a child. He told me to please hold on. I replied a weak yes almost under my breath.

I can feel the pain they were feeling at that moment. Mum was crying so hard. Dad was controlling his tears. It was so painful to hear his voice shaking in sorrow. I wanted to cry. But I shouldn’t. I gathered all the strength left in me and talked to him like nothing happened. I sounded normal and okay. I hoped I sounded strong. My heart was undeniably so broken. I wanted to cry. Cry out the pain I felt inside but I just couldn’t and shouldn’t. I have to wear a strong façade in everybody’s presence.

Mum begged me to study here in our town. She wants me to always stay near her. So I decided to grant their wish. I know, I have to stay near. It was a tough decision for me. That means I’d have to give up the prestige of UP and leave all my friends behind. It was against my will. But I just chose what’s best for me and what’s best for my parents’ anxiety.

* * * * *

It was so hard. And tough. Painful. But it was for my own good. I knew I just had to follow.

I came to UP to process everything I had for my transfer. Darlene and Karen were there. I wasn’t able to tell everyone for it was a sudden decision. Darl and Karen were the only ones I’ve confessed. But I never really knew whether I should tell them the whole story. I never wanted people to worry. I loved those girls so much that I never wanted to see them crying. It will hurt me.

Unusual. The feeling was very unusual. My heart sank as we processed the things we have to process. Their enrollment, and my dismissal. I just wanted to have a long session of ‘sit and talk’ with them all day long but we were so busy for that. I wanted to cry but I had to have fun in their presence. No tears. I promised myself. Be strong in front of them.

The day seemed so short and the hours seemed to fly fast. I had to get all of my things from the dorm since it was already getting late and it was already time to leave. My heart sank to its worst. My feet got heavy. My emotions are getting too strong again. I have to fight them to be strong. I just have to.

Patrick and Kyle didn’t know I was leaving UP. It was hard for me to leave without even saying goodbye to them. Sef and Eirvin came across and saw me with my baggage. Their faces were so blank that I didn’t even notice my tears from escaping my eyes. I just gave them a big hug. I suck. I thought I had promised myself I wouldn’t cry. But it was inevitable. I thought I could help it. But it wasn’t that easy. Never.

Karen, Darl and Eirvin decided to bring me to the terminal. It was more painful. I have to admit I had a hard time to prevent my tears from falling even in the taxi. I was wearing a stupid sarcastic simper. I was glad we had time to talk during the 30-minute travel to the terminal. The music from the radio of the taxi was like teasing us. It seemed to cooperate with our situation. It played very sad songs. The pain’s gone too unbearable that finally, we gave ourselves the chance to show our feelings and cry.

It was painful to see them leave from the terminal. It was not easy to be left alone there an wait for my departure. It was so heart braking to see them waving their goodbyes. Would it be final? I’m afraid I can’t tell. But it was time. I understood, I just have to go.

* * * * * *

Not being able to say decent goodbyes to Kyle and Patrick troubles me. I’m afraid they wouldn’t understand and would misunderstand and hate me forever. I just can’t help worrying.

Thinking about the happy and bitter memories I’ve shared with my friends in UP makes me gloomy. The laughters we’ve shared are endless. Their chuckles seem to echo inside my mind and it is so delicious that it rushes through me like a waterfall. I have to admit I find myself miserable at the moment because of missing them. What can I do? We’re hundred miles apart. I’m afraid I won’t always be healthy. You know what I mean.

So before I’ll say goodbye to this Earth and lose the chance of talking to them again, if we’d see each other, I’ll never going to let them go by not saying this: ‘I am the wind, even if you can’t see me, I’ll always be here. I’ll never forget to make your days calmed and relaxed. I’ll dance with your hair and hope you’ll sway with me. Even when we’re millions of miles apart, just look up and know we’re underneath the same big sky. I love you, and I always will.’

I’d have to tell you, value friendship. You just have to. Sometime in your life, you will always need a friend.

I’d have to say…

-MeichiPiaw Liang-