This is how i disappear :(

I thought I’d be stronger this time. But no I wasn’t. I was worse.


Yesterday was heaven. Now it’s hell. Irony is- I’m not feeling its burning fires. It’s way too cold. Way too silent. Way too sorrowful. I don’t know what to do. I’m dumped in a cold hell.

I know, I have to get used to being here in the silent abyss of deafening screams of anguishes and cries of pathetic hopes and illusions. I have to understand and embrace the understanding that the magic you once knew and felt wouldn’t last long in your eyes. But I should always think it’s gonna stay for the rest of my life in my heart if I wouldn’t let it slip away.

When he left, it was like the whole world died with me. I couldn’t stop crying and worse, I can’t live a life. I suddenly got used to waking up in the morning hearing his bubbly voice chatting with mom and grandma outside. I would hurriedly get up from bed and hurry to the kitchen and then run to him to get a morning comfort. He would envelope me with his warm embrace and right then and there, I’d feel so contented. And when its siesta time, I would fall asleep on his soft lap and wake up seeing his eyes glued to me. Darn. He would put up a smile, caress my face and whisper I love you. And I wouldn’t think it’s a mirage at all, it was happening right before me.

He was with me during the first five days of my 18th year of existence. I got used to the idea of having him beside me always. I wouldn’t feel bad for he was always right there. He was the greatest substitute dad ever. My boyfriend served as my brother, my confidante, my dad, my adviser, best friend, caretaker, daily reminder, inspiration- darn. HE’S EVERYTHING. He can be anything for me. And I can’t help falling in love with him deeper every second of my life. Darn. Am I really this worse?

We are one of the thousands who experience long distance relationships. It’s killing me. We seldom see each other that’s why we’d savor every moment spent together. I thought I’d get used to this routine- Be with him, experience happiness, see him pack, watch him leave. I thought it would only hurt in the beginning. But as I have noticed, it had gone worse.

When he left yesterday, it was as if the world had ended. It was as if the world stopped breathing, lost its colors and it was as if I was torn into millions of pieces and I can never be brought back again. I never learned to master this situation. Darn. Why can’t I? It tears me up knowing his departure time. It tears me more seeing him pack. And it kills me seeing him leave with his bus. I can’t help but pour down all the pain left within me. I can’t help it. Darn. Darn. DARN.

Now I am still suffering. When I got home from the terminal, I suddenly wished and hoped against hope that I would see him when I enter the living room. I closed my eyes, wished, opened the door- and then tears. HE WASN’T THERE ANYMORE. I tried to look for him at the kitchen, he wasn’t there. I tried to keep quiet, listen and wait ‘til his bubbly voice would float back in mid air. It never sounded like before. The silence is deafening. I listened harder. But no voice would ever fill the air except my sniffs. I whispered a shaky “I love you mahal kuu” in the air but there was no answer. The silence got more painful. It was then that I realized he had gone home already. I felt my heart melted in pain and my body grew weak.

I lied down to where he slept awhile ago and tried to smell the scents he left. Darn. It was there. It made me cry and desire for his presence more. I badly wanna see him again. I can’t help but hug the pillow he left and get covered by his blanket. Still, it was insufficient to relieve my sadness. It just made me wanna see him more. I cried so hard but he’s travelled too far now, he won’t hear me anymore. No matter how hard I cry, he can’t just see me anymore. And I can’t help being bitter. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I closed my eyes and wished it was just a dream. I tried to touch the other side of the bed without looking at it, it was flat, I had no one to touch to. My heart sank. It made me sadder. God. Help me. I didn’t wanna get up because I don’t wanna see the empty chairs of the kitchen. I didn’t wanna get up because I had no one to talk to. I don’t wanna move. He wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to start. Until now, I am still crying like crazy. I don’t know when am I gonna get over it and accept we’ll see each other soon. But how long is soon? We’re million miles from each other. Tell me, how long is soon? :(