This is how i disappear :(

I thought I’d be stronger this time. But no I wasn’t. I was worse.


Yesterday was heaven. Now it’s hell. Irony is- I’m not feeling its burning fires. It’s way too cold. Way too silent. Way too sorrowful. I don’t know what to do. I’m dumped in a cold hell.

I know, I have to get used to being here in the silent abyss of deafening screams of anguishes and cries of pathetic hopes and illusions. I have to understand and embrace the understanding that the magic you once knew and felt wouldn’t last long in your eyes. But I should always think it’s gonna stay for the rest of my life in my heart if I wouldn’t let it slip away.

When he left, it was like the whole world died with me. I couldn’t stop crying and worse, I can’t live a life. I suddenly got used to waking up in the morning hearing his bubbly voice chatting with mom and grandma outside. I would hurriedly get up from bed and hurry to the kitchen and then run to him to get a morning comfort. He would envelope me with his warm embrace and right then and there, I’d feel so contented. And when its siesta time, I would fall asleep on his soft lap and wake up seeing his eyes glued to me. Darn. He would put up a smile, caress my face and whisper I love you. And I wouldn’t think it’s a mirage at all, it was happening right before me.

He was with me during the first five days of my 18th year of existence. I got used to the idea of having him beside me always. I wouldn’t feel bad for he was always right there. He was the greatest substitute dad ever. My boyfriend served as my brother, my confidante, my dad, my adviser, best friend, caretaker, daily reminder, inspiration- darn. HE’S EVERYTHING. He can be anything for me. And I can’t help falling in love with him deeper every second of my life. Darn. Am I really this worse?

We are one of the thousands who experience long distance relationships. It’s killing me. We seldom see each other that’s why we’d savor every moment spent together. I thought I’d get used to this routine- Be with him, experience happiness, see him pack, watch him leave. I thought it would only hurt in the beginning. But as I have noticed, it had gone worse.

When he left yesterday, it was as if the world had ended. It was as if the world stopped breathing, lost its colors and it was as if I was torn into millions of pieces and I can never be brought back again. I never learned to master this situation. Darn. Why can’t I? It tears me up knowing his departure time. It tears me more seeing him pack. And it kills me seeing him leave with his bus. I can’t help but pour down all the pain left within me. I can’t help it. Darn. Darn. DARN.

Now I am still suffering. When I got home from the terminal, I suddenly wished and hoped against hope that I would see him when I enter the living room. I closed my eyes, wished, opened the door- and then tears. HE WASN’T THERE ANYMORE. I tried to look for him at the kitchen, he wasn’t there. I tried to keep quiet, listen and wait ‘til his bubbly voice would float back in mid air. It never sounded like before. The silence is deafening. I listened harder. But no voice would ever fill the air except my sniffs. I whispered a shaky “I love you mahal kuu” in the air but there was no answer. The silence got more painful. It was then that I realized he had gone home already. I felt my heart melted in pain and my body grew weak.

I lied down to where he slept awhile ago and tried to smell the scents he left. Darn. It was there. It made me cry and desire for his presence more. I badly wanna see him again. I can’t help but hug the pillow he left and get covered by his blanket. Still, it was insufficient to relieve my sadness. It just made me wanna see him more. I cried so hard but he’s travelled too far now, he won’t hear me anymore. No matter how hard I cry, he can’t just see me anymore. And I can’t help being bitter. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I closed my eyes and wished it was just a dream. I tried to touch the other side of the bed without looking at it, it was flat, I had no one to touch to. My heart sank. It made me sadder. God. Help me. I didn’t wanna get up because I don’t wanna see the empty chairs of the kitchen. I didn’t wanna get up because I had no one to talk to. I don’t wanna move. He wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to start. Until now, I am still crying like crazy. I don’t know when am I gonna get over it and accept we’ll see each other soon. But how long is soon? We’re million miles from each other. Tell me, how long is soon? :(

i have a GOD :)

            I never wanted to turn my back to the one I know who loves me the most. And it's so stupid of me to forget him almost everytime. worse, every happy momentum in my life. Now that's not fair.

           If it wouldn't be for him, I wouldn't get even a taste of the sweet chills of happiness. I wouldn't get to feel the soothing and comforting love around me. I wouldn't be able to see the beauty and splendor of life. For simplicity's sake, let's put it this way; If not for him, I wouldn't be here. Period.

           Imagine this. You're so desperate to acquire something, you just have to have that and you trade all things in the world just for it. You pray so hard from dawn to dusk and do extra rituals all night long, you ask for divine interventions, you do novenas and all sorts of stuff calling His name for divine providence. You call all the names of the saints, you kneel from the door of the church to its altars. You just won't move without calling his name. And when you magically get what you've been dying to ask, you forget Him. Did it ever happen to you?

           It would be so hypocrite of me if I say no. It's not surprising anymore, I have done it so many times, I have lost count of it already. I have come to realize how stupid I am to forget the one entity I  have been troubling with my urges. That was drop-dead stupid of me. I have been so stupid. Darn. I hate myself for it. It's like this, I can already sleep at night because finally, I am provided. But there is something bothering me and makes me wanna rise again. That's conscience I think. Or whatever you wanna call it okay. I tend to never mind that something and let it slip away. I can remember. But I act as if I can't remember at all. Silly. No. Silly is a litote, silly! 

        I have always wanted to change. I have always wanted for the world to change. I wanna live a life alright? It's just that, I am so human. But I have always had a hope. Human is never far from humane, so I always get the chance. I am gonna make the world proud. How?

      Change. Walk straight. Acknowledge God, always.

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le miserab. haha :)

Summer’s not all fun. How could it be when you just sit all day long on your couch and do nothing- penniless?

                It’s a big piece of irony when you say summer is the best time for all school buddies out there.  Let’s say, well alright half of it constitutes a point. But you can’t hide the truth that when you don’t go to school, you receive no allowance and when you receive no allowance, you suck. You can’t do anything; you get stuck in your lonesome and boring house- well unless your den’s got it all.

                I wonder how I could miss even my stupidest classmate and my most terrifying professor. It’s not strange anymore though. I can’t help but to reminisce all the crazy schemes inside the school with ‘em. I think I just get this ‘really miserable’ when I am left with nothing to do. I would wish school to open as soon as possible but never mind the school burdens and loads. Darn.

                Just this afternoon, I found myself super jaded. I have finished reading all the books left in my mini library, dusty or not. I have watched all the movies I could. I have surfed the net from dawn to daybreak. Darn. I am really humdrum-stricken. I have even deciphered my mom’s antique books and read it cover to cover because of boredom. Our travel’s not until next week. I am really really bored to death. If you’ll tell me to hang-out with my friends- where? My summer’s RAINING CATS AND DOGS. DARN. DARN.

                Let’s wait until next week. I’m going to decrypt a new out of the ordinary things (for me) to fill this summer. I’m gonna get rid of this boredom. You’ll see J

Mindanao Open Skimboarding Competition: a fish to kill :))

-before the incident-

This afternoon, I and my friends almost lost our lives.

                4^th of April was a big event for Mati’s very own, Dahican Beach Resort. The 1^st Mindanao Open Skimboarding Competition paved its way here. Together with the big event came “big” people. Foreigners, politicians, popular skimboarders, media and many others made their appearances, and of course, the excited people of Mati. There were also audiences who travelled all the way from England, Manila- well, I didn’t really surveyed on that. Let’s just put it this way; there was a really huge number of people.

                The sun was burning hot. The sea waves were monsterish. Dahican was a one-hot place to be. It was a picturesque of Boracay. No matter how big and threatening the waves are, the sea was still so oh-so tempting. I and my friends decided to bathe in the sea after the competition. We were brave enough to decide to bathe there since were already used to the feeling of being excruciated by the sea. If you know what I mean. J The waves would swallow you down and throb you so hard that you’ll reach the point of hoping you can get out of it ALIVE.

                We didn’t expect it was also gonna be a big day for us. When the competitions took its lunch break, we decided to invade the sea. We took off our shirts and bravely greet the giant waves. We were just enjoying ourselves when I noticed it wasn’t normal anymore. The waves were getting gigantic and more powerful. My strength dropped down and I could hardly breathe already. One of my friends started to scream for help, she was already being drowned. I called out for my younger sister, Yna and cousin, Jill and told them to return to the seashore. The waves are starting to kill us already.

                Just as I was about to stand up and return to the safe place, a big wave hit us and swallowed me down. Fortunately, Yna, Jill and my friend’s sister, Kakai, were already brought to the seashore.  Leaving Bdick, Kim, Kim’s boyfriend and I drowning and excruciated by the murdering waves. The waves brought Bdick so far from the seashore already, and she can’t swim. Kim’s sister, Dimple, swam after her and tried to save her. Kim’s boyfriend, Xander, was also trying to save Kim. I was alone. I thought it was gonna be the end. I couldn’t find my way out anymore. The waves were continually swallowing me down.

                Kakai started shouting for help and the coastguard came rapidly with life savers. I was already hopeless. I was thinking of giving up. My body was seriously hurting so much and I couldn’t find any strength from it anymore. It was difficult for the coastguards to save us since the waves are really so enormous it would also kill them. Finally, a coastguard grabbed me and helped me stand up. He just told me to swim back to the seashore and left to rescue my still, drowning friends. I was annoyed because I have no strength left and he wants me to swim?! What the hell?! But it was beginning to be alright anyway. With all the scanty vigor left in me, I stood up.

                But the waves are just so teasing. As I stood up, another monsterish wave hit me and unfortunately, swallowed me down again. I lost all the hope left in me. I called out for divine interventions. I was preparing to see the light, until.. Someone from behind grabbed me and took me to the shore in the quickest time possible. I embraced him without even knowing who he was. As I looked up, it was my ex. I couldn’t utter a word. I couldn’t move. I was shaking so hard. I was in a state of shock. I was traumatized. Ghaddamit. After I was saved, Kim and Bdick followed. We were like children who got so lost in the middle of the sea of crowd. We were still gasping. It took me half an hour to move. What annoyed us most was that, the people were starting to crowd us. Flashes from cameras thundered from here to there. Was it there first time to witness such incident?!

                We pulled out ourselves from the scenery. But the f*cking cameras were still following us up to the place where we have to go. They won’t just leave us alone. Thank goodness we were able to lose them. We were already having our rest until minutes after, the ambulance went ringing again. Another batch of kids were drowned in the water and were rescued. Hours after, 4 boys were rescued again, including my ex who was also trying to save his friend.

Now tell me. Was it the hot skimboarders who highlighted the event or- our murdering sea? :P