Earthquake rocks- LITERALLY.

                 It's never really good to be really optimistic. As they say, "Thou shall not compians!" haha.
       
                 I thought today's gonna be okay already. I never thought of disasters coming again. But mom told us to just stay home in case of unpleasant happenings- well, I was thinking about my practice for our practicum in PE class with my classmates. I still went to school. 
                 If only I have listened to mom, I wouldn't be really traumatized like this now. We were already in the middle of our practice when suddenly- the ground shook so hard, things were falling, the walls and roofs of the Library lobby were already producing roaring sounds and my classmates were all running. I was panic-stricken again. I didn't know what to do exactly. I wasn't wearing my slippers on. Unfortunately, I was dumb-founded by the earthquake.
                 My classmates screamed like there's gotta be no tomorrow and they were running towards the exit. I was left. I was so stupid to not even move. Until fortunately, my cousin grabbed my hands and took me off like a heroine. Wow. I was still alive. Surprisingly, the really hard earthquake stopped when we reached the outside. I was still running after my breath. My knees were shaking like crazy and my heart was pounding so hard.
                I was still shocked by what happened last night. I haven't yet recovered from the trauma last night- and now, earthquake! For a moment I thought were all gonna die. If not now, soon. I knew it. I just knew it. 2012's gonna be the end of the world. I'm still crossing my fingers that this is some sort of a nightmare.. Just a nightmare. Were all gonna wake up.Soon. Im hoping against hope for that.

TSUNAMI ALERT SHAKES MATI'S SILENCE

               

                Matinians were trembled. The people were screaming and running like crazy. I had ran with the crowd still uncertain of what's going to happen next. Now I'm an evacuee. Last thing I can remember  is..                  

                I was surfing the net in one of the internet shops in our town when suddenly; dreading shouts filled the outside air, the door slammed open, a father came to get his son. “The seawater’s risen surprisingly! Go home, RIGHT NOW!!” .

                My sister grabbed my hands and led me to the entrance. But the people were already terrified that they filled the door altogether within a second and caused it to be blocked. I already forgot about all my things in my compartment in the internet shop. I was already horrified that I didn’t even mind the people, who were already clogging the passage way, I just wanted to get out.

                The funny part was, my sister grabbed my hand as I tried to get out and shouted, “Te, nakai nabilin 6 sa table! Kuhaon naq, Sayang! (Te, there’s P6.00 in your table, I’ll get it!). She sounded so stupid to still save the six-peso coin while our lives are already imperiled. (*Haha!)

                As we got out of the internet shop, I knew it right then and there- the end of the world is near. I was shocked. The people are running towards uncertain directions screaming for help, trying to spare their lives.  The seawater had gone beyond the seawalls. The water has already started to appear on the land, and the wind was blowing turbulently. The nature has gone mad. El Nino, the other day, a high magnitude earthquake, and now? – Well, let’s simply say, just a signal number two Tsunami alert.

                Who wouldn’t get really scared on that scenery? I was already panic stricken. I badly wanted to go home. Pedicabs and motorcycles would just run pass thru us. I was running like a crazy cat with nowhere to go with my younger sister. Funny part again-As I was running, coins dropped from my bag every now and then because I forgot to close my bag. My sister was still shouting about the coins falling from my bag. She was like, “Te! Nangatagak ang imung coins! Hulat sa! (Te! Your coins are falling! Wait!). without second thoughts, I grabbed her hand and shouted at her to forget about the coins. We are already running for our lives!

                We ran with the anxious and scared crowd with no clear directions at all. With our adrenaline rushing, we didn’t notice we had already run a distance of more or less, 500 meters within 30 seconds! Fortunately, we were able to persuade a pedicab driver to drive us home. Admittedly, I felt a twinge of guilt when he told us he was also in a hurry because his 7 years old son was left alone at home. While we were driving home, we could pass thru people, mostly families who carried really big baggages heading for evacuation centers. Wow. My first time to witness a fierce calamity in my quiet little town.

                 I was praying and calling God for divine interventions. I still have so many plans for my life. I was like losing my saliva and my heart was pounding like crazy. I felt like I was losing oxygen again. My knees are shaking like it had an earthquake under it with a magnitude of 8.8 and my heart seemed to jump out of my shirt. I was hardly catching my breath. I was really scared. This was for real now.

                When we got home, everything was already prepared. Our pertinent papers, some foods and clothes- everything. Mom was still wearing her pajamas and her face went really pale. Poor mom. She was all nervous. I couldn’t think of a right thing to do. I was really panic-stricken.

                The police patrol checked our shorelines after some hours and announced that we are already safe. It’s gonna be okay. But my heart wouldn’t just stop pounding like crazy. So here we are now, evacuees. Wow. So this is how it feels like. And I should tell you, it’s not a good feeling after all! I’m still scared, still uncertain of how tomorrow may come.

                 My town, Mati, has never been hit by the fierce of nature really hard. Thus, this made the people here to not really care about the Tsunami alerts, though they finally cared when the level alert was raised to signal number 2. God. Help us.

                Right now, I just wanna go home. Lesson learned about I and my sissy’s experience? –ALWAYS CLOSE YOUR BAG. Haha. I’m kidding right, well, here goes, Stay calm, Observe, Do actions.

bingka incorporated: Lit 2 - Video Satire

bingka incorporated: Lit 2 - Video Satire

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDjKTo4Da6Y

14th of FEBRUARY [late post]

14^th of February; what’s the big deal with it?

                I woke up this morning with mom annoying me with her murdering hugs on bed. I stretched out my hand for my phone and when I looked at its screen, guess what? 118 messages received. What the?!

                What added to my frustration was that the 118 messages I received contained one thought, Valentine’s Day. Now I didn’t quite get that. Why are all the people so excited about it? What’s there to be excited for? Damn. I had disliked the idea of Christmas and New Year. Am I becoming a Grinch for the hearts’ day too?  Blimey! What’s going on with me?

                I so loved the idea of Valentine’s Day way back in high school. And I admit, the boys that I went crazy about were my impetus for this event of the year. I get so excited waiting for this day to come; I couldn’t sleep at night just thinking of it over and over again. I’d love to make everyone notice me on this day. I was so jejune. I would wear eye-catching clothes and alluring smiles. I would hang out with friends and date with guys. I have loved Valentine’s Day so much before.

                I used to be a very avid fan of the 14^th of February.  I believed I would get the chance to hook up with the guys I like on this day of the year. I couldn’t help but have faith that I would get the greatest love I was waiting for all of my life on this event. I was so crazy about Valentine’s Day. BEFORE.

                Okay, that was before. Last year, last last year; last last last year and so on. I can’t quite understand what’s happening with me at the moment. I can’t figure out the reason behind my peculiar behavior towards this day. I can’t even grasp reality that today is Valentine’s Day. Okay. Today is hearts’ day, but what’s the big deal about it?

                I don’t wanna ruin the fun and all. I just want to find the answer why I am I becoming a Grinch on the holidays of the people? Christmas, New Year, Valentine’s Day.. what more? I don’t wanna add more. Damn. Help.

7PM ; LAST TRIP

I am all lonely and blue

Thought I'd never see you..

Again or whatever

I thought I'm gonna wait forever

You told me none of your plans

you just came here and surprisingly grabbed my hands

what could I say?

I just want the moment to stop; stay.

Stay with me, never leave again

You're my happiness, you're my heaven

You know who really I am.

with you, I believed I can..

You keep me strong.

You make me feel I truly belong

I can't stand seeing you hurt.

It would only break my heart

We go out. We break free

with you, I'm just so happy

I couldn't help but wish..

That time would just stop; oh please!

We've got two hours left now..

And we're here staring at each other’s eyes..

No pretense; no lies

We both know I want you to stay longer..

But now here we are again

Seems like we're heavily laden

I can't take the sight of you leaving..

Now I just can't stop crying..

It's 7pm - it's gonna be the last trip..

It's time for you to go..

Give me a hug; hold me close momentarily..

Turn back now; you've got a bus to catch.

I try so hard not to let you see.

I try so hard to smile and look happy..

Deep within, I'm bleeding badly..

Deep within I'm crying like crazy..

This is just so obnoxious..

The rain is just so contagious..

Now that you're gone I can freely cry..

I couldn’t help but think I’m gonna die..

But I know I have to understand..

I'll just know, soon enough you'll return and hold my hand..

I'll be waiting patiently for you..

Wherever you go, take care - I LOVE YOU.

*yayo i'll be missing you :(

hiatus FACEBOOK.

    I'm going to give myself a brak from my cyberworld. It's gonna be a hiatus for my FACEBOOK, FRIENDSTER and MULTIPLY. I'm still deciding if I'm gonna consider blogging. Well, goodluck! It's just a little sacrifice :] I'm hoping against hope I can make it. I can and I will. Hiatus now! I'll be missing you :]

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real deal? WHAT??

I had this “Lovers’ Symposium” awhile ago in my school. Yeah, of course I learned a little, somehow. Their sermons are just repeated over and over in every “teen talk”. This is becoming so exasperating. Why is it that when the adults talk about love existing in the teenagers, they seem to really abhor the idea? I can’t get it. Didn’t they become teensters too?

                Our speaker stressed out that Love really has some reasons behind. He stated these reasons;

You have true love if: 

-          You care for your mate’s welfare and fulfillment as you do for your own.

-          You both have many values and ideas in common

-          You share similar goals and ideas

                I just want to clarify things out. Does love really go with these reasons? Do you really have to consider these reasons before you say you’re truly in love? I have read magazines and books and they tell me love is unconditional and unexplainable. How do they differ with the statements quantified by our speaker awhile ago? Do you really have to seek for these reasons before you proclaim you’re in love with someone? My question is – does love really go with these reasons- ONLY?

                I was quite disappointed by –let’s say the message of their talk. Mr. Speaker tells us to stop wasting our time with the affairs we have right now. Because we’re too young, we still don’t get things right, we’re prone to making mistakes, that entering into relationship means you really have to marry that person you’ve had an affair with in the future. the thing that I can never forget is, he told us, affairs right now’s just gonna be a waste of time, money, effort and most of all, emotions.

                I myself am into these affairs, but I don’t think it’s really a waste of time. I think I am just enjoying my teenage life. I know my limitations and I don’t neglect my studies. I chose to do the right as a teenager. Well you see, not all teensters with sweethearts are into PMS or any unlawful activities. I don’t it’s necessary to call it a waste of time, money, effort and emotions. It’s called- experience. Well, experience is the best teacher. We commit mistakes, we undergo failures but it’s never gonna be the end of the world. If we learn from our mistakes and use our experiences to correct things out well then, you’re living.

                It’s just a ‘live-a-life issue’. We live as teenagers and we act as a teenager too. How do they expect us? Live the life they lived centuries ago? We have our own ways of living. We love. We get hurt. We love again until the hurt stops, it’s life cycle. Love is a very inexorable thing. We can never stop that. We can never inflict whys and wherefores to it. 

              whatever they're trying to convey what the real meaning of love is, I APPARENTLY DON'T GET IT. I dont understand. shut me up or else..

stress . gimme a break.

                    We are in the times of our lives where we lurk just about everywhere; where we seem to be slapdash earthlings just frolicking around and getting wherever we may get to. We are on the rising action of our existence. We discover new things, go for adventures, and try new stuffs. We go to school, mingle with friends, enter relationships and study, of course. We are on our teenage life and it seems to be the climax for many.

                One thing that can never be gone out of the scenery in the climax of our teenage extravaganza is the ever ubiquitous STRESS! Well, all of us experience strains most especially when we are still on the stage of our lives where we are just starting to learn about time management.

                As a teenager, I come across sundry stresses that can unquestionably affect my lifestyle. These stressors seem to be inexorable as I continue with my daily routine. My experience drives me to figure out what are the real stressors of a teenager. If I can decode them, maybe I can repel ‘em someday. With the help of my support system, I gathered infos about the major stressors of the teenage populace. Here they are..

1.       SCHOOL. Well, we all know that. School isn’t really that cool nowadays if not for our friends, right? Projects pile up; assignments are unending, quizzes, terror teachers, damn! School is referred to by many students as a- for wanting of a better term- living hell. Well what should I guess? I’m a student too. If not for my parents and friends and future why would I go and burn myself in a living hell? Haha. I’m beginning to be so mean here right. But that’s just the case. I’m just dealing with that. How can school inflict stress to the students? I think it just depend on the student, on their attitude towards school. Stress always goes with school. It’s stereotyped since ages ago. I think stress is really inevitable in school. Even teachers get it too. The only solution to get rid of stress in school is to master time management. Well, actually it’s the solution for all the cases of stress. Learn to balance things out not just study and study. Important thing too; never cram. (as if I don’t do it too! Irony eh? Haha) well, I just realized that cramming never helps. Have fun with school. That’s why you have friends. Mingle with them. Make learning fun thru your own special ways.

2.       PARENTS. Well well well. I guess you have it but you’re just keeping it secretly. You don’t have to hide that. I’m unleashing the parent-stress here now. Mom and dad sometimes expect so much from us that they overlooked our achievements and fail to appreciate them. They want us to be someone we never even thought of, or maybe they impose rules that you can hardly follow. Dad enforces strict laws at home that you can hardly breathe or move and Mom nags almost every minute plus the career that they impose on you. How can you escape that? Fleeing is never an answer. You can talk about it with your parents. But be sure to take it lightly. Speak when you know you have to but don’t just overdo it that they may think you don’t respect them already. Parents have heart too. Just let it out of them if you still can’t feel it.

3.       PEERS. You can say that again. Peers, friends, buddies, bffs, well whatever you call them they too are contributors of stress in your life. Well friends do give us effervescent jiffies but it’s not all the time. Admit it. There are just times when they let you do things you think you shouldn’t.  you indulge and give in, that’s what we call peer pressure. They stress you out when they confuse you with your decision. It’s when you run to them to ask for suggestions and advice and they give you wrong and different stuffs. They perturb you when you have to follow the rules they impose which you really find ‘not-so-you’. Well we all know this happens. Everywhere, anytime. If you just go on and endure with the ‘stress’, well you’re just prolonging the agony. Go tell them or if they really do no good to you, get rid of them, it doesn’t matter how many armies you’ve got with you. What matters most is that you know how to respect each other.

4.       RELATIONSHIPS. You can’t help it. You feel you’re so in love with your sweetheart that you go crazy and upset and you feel that the whole world is breaking apart when you undergo petty fights or worse, break ups. Or maybe the other way around. You begin to neglect your responsibilities because you corrupt too much time for that special someone. You keep thinking about how you’re going to be and your wishful thinking seems to be unstoppable already. Relationships never run out of problems. One important thing to hold back in our minds. To get rid of stress in relationships, learn to balance things out and give yourself some time too. Not just shower them off to your sweetheart. Never neglect responsibilities for they will only pile more stresses up. Learn to know your value in your relationship. Your partner would easily understand that you also have things to care of if he really loves you. Well if not, learn the art of letting go. Haha. To harsh? Well, just let him deal with your responsibilities too. Let him learn.

5.       MEAGER ALLOWANCE. Yes or yes? Am I right or am I right? Haha. It’s totally patent. You have only limited allowance for fare and a little snack and you still have small payments in class for photocopies or charities or whatever. You’re trying so hard to save even the last coins of your allowance but the class payments would just exhaust them off. Plus you still set aside a little amount for your load. You’re trying really hard to save for the latest Basque at the front of the shop window but you just can’t because your savings would magically disappear in your pocket. You can’t buy what you want and sometimes what you need because your allowance isn’t just sufficient. Well you have a thing for that. You can go and tell mom and dad. Or- you should better understand the crisis of our economy today.

There are really star-count stresses existing in our asylum. They become so insurmountable that they make the world go crazy. Well I think we just have to be connoisseurs of stress. If there’s only a subject that teaches us how to control and manage stress, I know it’s gonna be a hit subject for all time. Want to know a thing? Just writing this blog makes me stressed already! Just thinking about what causes stress for us makes me stressed! Woah! Stress is becoming normal and part of our everyday routine. What can we do? It’s ubiquitous.  Just learn to manage your time. Learn to manage stress, until it stresses you no more. :]

hardLIGHT!

We were having our P.E class awhile ago and I have this classmate, a girl, who really gets into my nerves. She annoys me. She’s a brat. She wants everything to be done according to her own decree, she doesn’t listen. She just talks and talks and talks until she salivates and her mug magically turns into that of Grendel’s face in the epic of Beowulf.

All of us couldn’t help to be infuriated if someone badgers you to what you should do and how you should decide things out. Well my classmate just reminds me of my teacher way back in high school. He mandates me to follow every decision he have and do every summon he gives. Well what did I do? I didn’t give him even a single damn. I went directly against his will. Who was he to pester me anyway?

I just can’t help but think of this over and over again: Never allow someone to dictate you. Even your parents. Especially when you’re on the crossroads of your decisions. People around you like your parents are just there to guide you. Not to order you. Yes, they are a cut above us but that doesn’t mean they can already control our lives. My classmate was okay, richer than I am and more popular. But that doesn’t mean she can already look at my fellow classmates like her underlings. No.

                This doesn’t just apply to my classmate, to our parents, to our friends. This is for all. They don’t have the right to maneuver us. We are the ones who run our own lives. I’d love to reminisce this line from Invictus's,”You are the master of your fate; you are the captain f your soul” . Just bare that in mind, ALWAYS.

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Building Bridges; Achieving Excellence

We are compassion. We are hope. We strive. We bleed. We cry. We succeed.

As a youth, have you ever found your field of specialization yet? Have you discovered and used your skills lately? Have you started honing your talents; sharpened your minds? Are you prepared for the future?

We, the youth, we are capable of conquering a vast number of obstacles. God has granted us a unique skill that we must foster, whether it may be in the sciences or humanities. Our only way of thanking Him is to use His given gifts. But how do we really use and foster these gifts wisely? How do we find the right path to be traversed? How?

Excellence. Perfection. These are just some of our goals for the future, to achieve excellence and perfection to build a greater tomorrow; a successful future. Knowledge has boomed out of economy and yes, it became “knowledge economy”. Our generation is filled with millions of factors in which we can use to develop our budding skills. Technology has risen abruptly. Thus, on the other way around, blinding the innocents’ eyes with iniquity; Ignorance, becoming its greatest vulnerability.

Young as we are, it is an undeniable fact that many of us have been lost in tract. Vast number of the youth has become lost sheep. Darkness has crept like a thief in the night and conquered and blinded a huge number of the youth’s populace. Unfortunately, the budding armies of the new generation for the future have lost in number.

Unquestionable. Look around you. Your tongue may deny. But your hypothalamus won’t lie. As the youth what have we done for our future? for ourselves development? Better understanding? Where is it?

We’ve been jailed in the cage of ignorance for ages now. This isn’t only a problem of the youth. It is the problem of the whole nation. Where did all our skills go? Hidden under ignorance?

In this darkness, we seek light to beckon us, to build a bridge for us to take. The bridge which will help us achieve our goals. The bridge to help us mold excellence.

Many have said, proper education is the only way to eliminate ignorance. Yes. It’s true. It’s irrefutably true. Through education, we are molded to better individuals. We are honed to good citizens. All the little things we know help us sharpen our minds and fall into correct thinking and better understanding. It’s not only about this. Education fosters and improves as well our skills and abilities which will soon serve as our catapults and gears for the challenges of the future. Through education, we became prepared for our battle in achieving our goal; Excellence.

We are proud that we, the youth, are not alone in our quest. Many thanks to the support given to us by the generation before us. It is such an honor for us to be guided accordingly. Thank you for believing in us despite of our failures.

We would somehow learn to believe in ourselves. We would soon realize the power to achieve self confidence and the power to develop and share our gifts.

In the wicked contemporary time lies change. Beneath failures lies determination. Remember what’s left inside Pandora’s Box? – HOPE. Hope lies on the palms of our hands. As long as we breathe, there’s still hope.

Hope is what we are. We are the new generation and we will unleash the future in perseverance and determination. Through our knowledge, skills and talents, we will defy time. We will change the doomed future. we will build bridges. We will achieve excellence. We are the new generation. We are the future. we are the youth.

Specials..

When a tie called “FRIENDSHIP” sprouts, it’s never gonna be possible to break the thread again. Nothing ever. Even DISTANCE. And this is how my story begins…

I was thrown into a university I NEVER dreamt of. It was just so unbelievable. I can’t figure out why I ever said yes to my parents’ choice. Maybe it’s the least that I can do for them. Deep inside, I was obviously deprived from the things that I wanted. I was deprived from my own choice. What can I do? I’m just a daughter. I never really wanted to be far from home. I was never really prepared to go and live away. Honestly, I just packed my things just approximately 10 minutes before my departure. I was still confused. I couldn’t even understand why I have to follow their will. But of course, they’re my parents. But still, I was incredulous. Yes. The University of the Philippines is a prestigious school. But I never imagined myself returning to the boondocks of UP. That time, I was only sure of one thing. I WAS UNPREPARED.

Sadly, dad wasn’t there to give me comfort. He wasn’t there to bring me to school and help me fix things up in the dormitory. And guess what? The dormitory has a lot to offer! Sordid rooms filled with cobwebs, forsaken clothes from the previous dormers and mountainous piles of trashes. ‘Thanks a lot!’ I shouted sarcastically at the back of my mind.

First day of the Summer Bridge Program in UP. I was still wishing I was only stuck in a very horrible nightmare. All day long, I just wore a stupid simper. I was still thankful on the other hand that I know someone from the bunch of kids there. Kyle. Thank God I’m not alone. Kyle was always there to give me company. He was indeed, a friend. The kids around us mistook us for sweethearts. I just laughed. We spent most of our times alone together since we do not have friends yet. Not until, I met my roommate. She was a gorgeous young lady with a white complexion and long straight tresses with gold-yellow highlights on them. I honestly thought of her as ‘one of the in-crowd’ and that she’d make lots of friends. She’ll not mind me anyway.

It was already late for breakfast. Although it was against my will, I just have to speed up and go for a quick breakfast. I was surprised. ‘Jobel’ was still sitting at the study table staring at nothingness. That’s weird. What’s with this girl? I was laughing inside because of her piteous face. I didn’t know what had gotten into me but I invited her to breakfast. I was startled by her reaction. Her face lit up and she took a what seemed to be a ‘relief breath’. We started a conversation and glad she wasn’t really picky on friends. I felt comfortable and I guess so did she. We met Kyle at the canteen. He was with his roommate. Patrick and Naseffh. Patrick seemed to be serious and quiet. Nassefh has something he’d rather keep with himself. He was also quiet. But these were just my impressions of course.

We were about to get out of the canteen when we bumped into a girl who happens to be Patrick’s classmate in high school. Patrick introduced her to us. Darlene. Her name fits her a lot. She was a small girl with long curly hair an small chinky eyes. I thought she’s got a Japanese blood in her. She was funny and talkative. She appeared to be shy at first but minutes later, she wasn’t anymore. From then on, our gang was formed. We called ourselves the ‘Bukakerz’. I didn’t exactly know its meaning but it sounds fun.

Honestly, I think our gang was envied by many. As we march down the hallways or anywhere, the kids around us would follow us with their gazes of amazement. I felt happy and proud. My 17^th birthday was the best birthday ever. It was my first birthday alone. I was so clueless. But the thoughtful Bukakerz gave me a surprise that I had to pinch myself to make sure it was real. Over all, I was so overwhelmed.

We seemed so inseparable. Patrick and I were on the same class, Kyle an Jobelle were on the other class and Darlene and Nasseffh were on the same class. I suddenly forgot about my remorse in attending the SBP in UP. But despite the closeness of our gang, inevitable arguments stormed us. I felt so pathetic and useless when Patrick had the biggest arguments with Darlene and Jobelle. I didn’t get the chance to stop them. I was at home that time. That event, unfortunately, made Jobelle decide to return home and back out in UP. We were so wrecked that I cried all night. It was hard.

That was it. Our gang was unluckily ruined. Our friendship turned into a bitter animosity. I resented Patrick and Nasseffh for that. I blamed them for Jobelle’s sudden departure. Darlene was so emotional. I didn’t know how to handle the situation. But I decided to forgive them and heal our wounds. We became friends again but not that ‘close’ anymore. Kyle and Darlene were the only Bukakerz who remained. Sef and Pat seemed to live different lives already. Whenever we bump into each other, it felt awkward already. I didn’t know. Sigh.

I attempted several times not to continue anymore and just leave. I was becoming another person already. I became a loner. A very depressed and bitter loner. I forgot all about what I’ve learned. I became so dumb. Damn! I was just so different. I’ve decided a million times already not to finish the SBP anymore. But the promise I’ve had with the Bukakerz lingers through my head and stops me. “No one will leave. One for all and all for one. We’re all in this together”. But my emotions were too strong. I was already out of myself. I just wanted to save myself from insanity. All I just want that time was to get home. I just want to get home. But I can’t leave Arlene. Not this time. Kyle and Darlene stood by me always. We remained there to aid and encourage each other. I sacrificed my comfort zone. I just have to stay there. Period.

Finally, the SBP came to an end. It was a great relief to me to finally get home. I hadn’t said a decent goodbye to Pat, Sef and Darl. They were in a hurry. They had their parents who fetched them. It was an obnoxious scene. Obnoxious ever. Families reunited, hugging their kids who had been away for more than a month. Wow. It was painful to see them and I was alone. Kyle was with his parents. I wasn’t able to see the three anymore. I ran to a corner and sobbed. It was inevitable. But at long last! I was finally going home.

* * * * * *

Summertime was over. I was already enrolled in UP. I was left with no choice. For heavens’ sake, I was still crossing my fingers that this was just some sort of a Halloween horror syndrome while walking along the catwalk of UP. It was already the 2^nd week of classes but I wasn’t still sure if I was really going to continue studying there. I was still in a bubble of a dreadful nightmare. I was trapped. But I tried so hard to adjust so as not to disappoint my parents. I was struggling. Struggling so hard. I was traversing a very different road. I was lost in track. I didn’t know myself anymore. I was becoming more of a pathetic rubbish goblin.

What alarmed me most was that, I started skipping classes already. I took my studies for granted. I wasn’t happy. I was so deprived. I didn’t understand why I have to suffer myself like this. I was becoming a different person. A very stupid and dumb person. I was so lost. But God was so great. I knew it. He noticed me finally. Thanks a lot! It was a great reinforcement to me when I accidentally bumped into a classmate. She was also an SBPian. But we weren’t that acquainted. We just knew each other, that was it. We were just discussing lessons until we arrived in a topic where we were struck. We shared the same sentiments. She was also bitter. I was bitterer. But I was lucky. For I was able to meet a friend. Karen served as my sister. I never felt ashamed to cry in front her. We became inseparable. I just felt so comforted with her presence. The way she talks, she sounds like a big sister to me.

Our friendship was genuine. I could sense that. But it was still inevitable to feel bitter for she isn’t always around. There are times I felt so humiliated and oppressed by my classmates in the University. Whenever I am all alone, I just ran to the Comfort Room. That room served as my comfort zone in UP. I felt so pathetic for I seemed to reside there already. I ate, rest and spent most of my time there. The comfort room, is indeed a ‘comfort room’.

Karen helped me to recover my grades. She was indeed a sister in help. I slowly recovered from my stupidity. She gently took me out of the darkness. I should know. She spared me form total insanity. Through Karen, I met ‘Ate Abby’. A graduate student from UP Diliman. She was a mission volunteer in our school. A catechist? I really don’t know what to call her. Despite our long age gap, she became a friend. I was thankful to meet her.

All these times, Darlene was just by my side. Kyle was there too. He never failed to extend his help. But since his course was making him terribly busy, we seldom see each other. But despite our busy schedules, we find ways to sit and talk. I was glad Darl and I were under the same course. Karen and I were classmates. The three of us hanged out together and since then, we became ‘tres marias’. I had fun with them and gratefully, I forgot about my bitter reality. I learned to accept my parents’ decision. Together, we struggled to pass our subjects. We were on the same battle. Holding on to each other for strength and inspiration.

I was convinced to stay in UP and continue my studies there. Because of them, I was lifted up from my darkness. I was glad, I met more friends. Pat and Sef had been there too. At the end of the semester, I felt so satisfied. The Bukakerz, although Jobelle was studying far from us, remained friends. Karen was there. Her support was unwavering.

* * * * * *

At the middle of the semester break, I still felt so stressed with the exams. I couldn’t sleep at night. I was already Insomniac. I could already perceive some growing pimples on my face and black circles below my eyes. I felt so worn out. I couldn’t understand. My hands grew numb. I couldn’t carry my feet. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t turn. Until I couldn’t move a single muscle anymore. My sight suddenly dimmed. And I lost consciousness.

I woke up in a divine setting. The fog was thick and I couldn’t see anything. Just a blinding white light. A colossal iron seemed to bang me on my head and I was astonishingly alarmed. I was dead. ‘What the f*c*?!!’ was all I could shout at the back of my mind. I didn’t want to die yet. I am too young for this. No way! No! I shrieked in horror and dismay. I was dreaming! Wasn’t I?

Ouch! I didn’t exactly know what hit my chest that it sent electricity through my weak body and awoken me from my vile nightmare. I was like gasping for breath when I finally woke up. I tried to move a finger, then a hand. A liberation. I slowly opened my eyes. Blurry. I squinted so hard. I carefully observed my surrounding. I was unfortunately lying on a hospital bed. Mum was there. Staring at me hopefully with tearful eyes. Then she hugged me tightly. I asked for water. My throat felt like it was in the season of drought. Mum explained what happened.

Dad called. He was crying so hard. His voice sounds so strong but I know deep inside him was pain. Pain of not seeing his family. And his daughter fighting for her life. He wants me to transfer. He wants me to follow him at the country where he was working. He wants me to undergo heart transplant. I didn’t want that. I just told him I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine. Dad wanted me to continue my education there with him so he could watch over me. But I have to be first year standing here in the Philippines so that means I’d have to finish my 1^st year here. He told me he never wanted to lose a child. He told me to please hold on. I replied a weak yes almost under my breath.

I can feel the pain they were feeling at that moment. Mum was crying so hard. Dad was controlling his tears. It was so painful to hear his voice shaking in sorrow. I wanted to cry. But I shouldn’t. I gathered all the strength left in me and talked to him like nothing happened. I sounded normal and okay. I hoped I sounded strong. My heart was undeniably so broken. I wanted to cry. Cry out the pain I felt inside but I just couldn’t and shouldn’t. I have to wear a strong façade in everybody’s presence.

Mum begged me to study here in our town. She wants me to always stay near her. So I decided to grant their wish. I know, I have to stay near. It was a tough decision for me. That means I’d have to give up the prestige of UP and leave all my friends behind. It was against my will. But I just chose what’s best for me and what’s best for my parents’ anxiety.

* * * * *

It was so hard. And tough. Painful. But it was for my own good. I knew I just had to follow.

I came to UP to process everything I had for my transfer. Darlene and Karen were there. I wasn’t able to tell everyone for it was a sudden decision. Darl and Karen were the only ones I’ve confessed. But I never really knew whether I should tell them the whole story. I never wanted people to worry. I loved those girls so much that I never wanted to see them crying. It will hurt me.

Unusual. The feeling was very unusual. My heart sank as we processed the things we have to process. Their enrollment, and my dismissal. I just wanted to have a long session of ‘sit and talk’ with them all day long but we were so busy for that. I wanted to cry but I had to have fun in their presence. No tears. I promised myself. Be strong in front of them.

The day seemed so short and the hours seemed to fly fast. I had to get all of my things from the dorm since it was already getting late and it was already time to leave. My heart sank to its worst. My feet got heavy. My emotions are getting too strong again. I have to fight them to be strong. I just have to.

Patrick and Kyle didn’t know I was leaving UP. It was hard for me to leave without even saying goodbye to them. Sef and Eirvin came across and saw me with my baggage. Their faces were so blank that I didn’t even notice my tears from escaping my eyes. I just gave them a big hug. I suck. I thought I had promised myself I wouldn’t cry. But it was inevitable. I thought I could help it. But it wasn’t that easy. Never.

Karen, Darl and Eirvin decided to bring me to the terminal. It was more painful. I have to admit I had a hard time to prevent my tears from falling even in the taxi. I was wearing a stupid sarcastic simper. I was glad we had time to talk during the 30-minute travel to the terminal. The music from the radio of the taxi was like teasing us. It seemed to cooperate with our situation. It played very sad songs. The pain’s gone too unbearable that finally, we gave ourselves the chance to show our feelings and cry.

It was painful to see them leave from the terminal. It was not easy to be left alone there an wait for my departure. It was so heart braking to see them waving their goodbyes. Would it be final? I’m afraid I can’t tell. But it was time. I understood, I just have to go.

* * * * * *

Not being able to say decent goodbyes to Kyle and Patrick troubles me. I’m afraid they wouldn’t understand and would misunderstand and hate me forever. I just can’t help worrying.

Thinking about the happy and bitter memories I’ve shared with my friends in UP makes me gloomy. The laughters we’ve shared are endless. Their chuckles seem to echo inside my mind and it is so delicious that it rushes through me like a waterfall. I have to admit I find myself miserable at the moment because of missing them. What can I do? We’re hundred miles apart. I’m afraid I won’t always be healthy. You know what I mean.

So before I’ll say goodbye to this Earth and lose the chance of talking to them again, if we’d see each other, I’ll never going to let them go by not saying this: ‘I am the wind, even if you can’t see me, I’ll always be here. I’ll never forget to make your days calmed and relaxed. I’ll dance with your hair and hope you’ll sway with me. Even when we’re millions of miles apart, just look up and know we’re underneath the same big sky. I love you, and I always will.’

I’d have to tell you, value friendship. You just have to. Sometime in your life, you will always need a friend.

I’d have to say…

-MeichiPiaw Liang-